Revision
I chose my personal essay for this revision because it was a particularly enjoyable piece of writing for me. This was also a narrative I submitted to Troubadour, so it meant something special to me. Also, there was one particular area (hedging) in this piece that I saw as a recurring theme in other things I had written, so revising that area was helpful in more ways than just this one piece of writing.
I focused on three main things: taking out unnecessary words, getting rid of any hedging I do, and adding a bit of imagery. I also focused on my concluding sentence a lot. These changes made the essay more enjoyable and more confident-sounding. When I took out phrases like "I suppose" and "of sorts," I made it sound like I was more sure of what I was saying.
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“I’m not ignoring you!” he yells back. It’s a situation that can only be described as the ultimate cliché. It could be a movie scene from The Notebook, with the yelling in torrential rain.
“Yes, you are! And it’s always around your other friends! Are you afraid I’m going to embarrass you?” I can’t even tell if I’m crying or if the rain is just falling on my face. “Look, all I’m saying is that you should rethink saying someone is your ‘friend’ when you don’t talk to them.”
And then I storm off, shaking with anger. The next day, I see him outside of English. Staring at his feet, he says, “I know I haven’t treated you right. But I want to try and fix this. I’m really sorry, Laura.”
And I say, “It’s okay.”
It’s not okay, but I’ll forgive him anyway.
A summer later, we’re outside of Foster Hall after school again. It’s raining again, but this time, he is angry instead of me. Now it’s a scene from The Best of Me. I can’t even tell if he’s crying or if it’s just the rain falling on his face. “Laura, you lied! I trusted you with everything and you said you trusted me but you didn’t! You should rethink calling people your ‘friend’ when you don’t trust them.”
And then he storms off, shaking with anger. The next day, I find him outside of English. Staring at my feet, I say, “I know I lied, but I want to try rebuild our friendship. I’m really sorry.”
And he says, “It’s okay.”
Even though it’s not okay, he forgave me anyway.
We have fought over many things besides these, some petty and some serious, and I sometimes wonder how we have managed to remain amiable with one another. But that level of forgiveness we’ve had to maintain is what defines the friendship that means so much to me. It is a bond that has lasted through more weight than it should have to, and yet it remains stronger than ever. Any other bond would have broken. It is a safety net. No matter what happens, I will always know that I have this friend when I need him.
Yes, I do sometimes wonder what will happen if the weight becomes too much for us to bear, and it separates us. But I do not think it will, for we know each other far too well. When he is angry, he becomes passive-aggressive and I know to apologize and try and give him some space. When I am angry, I go into conniptions and he knows to let me yell at him and I’ll get over it soon enough. It’s not perfect; it never will be, but I have stopped obsessing over making it so. So we fight more than most friends do. So what? What matters is that we are there for each other, and always will be. It’s simply that we forgive, forgive, forgive. We forgive quickly even when we do not forget quickly.
Forgiveness. That is something I have taken from this friendship that will never go away despite what may happen with the friendship itself. I have learned to let things go. I have learned that I should forgive because sooner or later I will do something that requires forgiveness. We do not forgive for other people; we forgive for ourselves. In this world, we find ourselves burdened by grudges and fights, and forgiveness can help us take some of that weight off.
I focused on three main things: taking out unnecessary words, getting rid of any hedging I do, and adding a bit of imagery. I also focused on my concluding sentence a lot. These changes made the essay more enjoyable and more confident-sounding. When I took out phrases like "I suppose" and "of sorts," I made it sound like I was more sure of what I was saying.
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“It’s Okay.”
“Why do you keep ignoring me?” I scream. My friend and I are alone outside of Foster Hall on a rainy day in April.“I’m not ignoring you!” he yells back. It’s a situation that can only be described as the ultimate cliché. It could be a movie scene from The Notebook, with the yelling in torrential rain.
“Yes, you are! And it’s always around your other friends! Are you afraid I’m going to embarrass you?” I can’t even tell if I’m crying or if the rain is just falling on my face. “Look, all I’m saying is that you should rethink saying someone is your ‘friend’ when you don’t talk to them.”
And then I storm off, shaking with anger. The next day, I see him outside of English. Staring at his feet, he says, “I know I haven’t treated you right. But I want to try and fix this. I’m really sorry, Laura.”
And I say, “It’s okay.”
It’s not okay, but I’ll forgive him anyway.
A summer later, we’re outside of Foster Hall after school again. It’s raining again, but this time, he is angry instead of me. Now it’s a scene from The Best of Me. I can’t even tell if he’s crying or if it’s just the rain falling on his face. “Laura, you lied! I trusted you with everything and you said you trusted me but you didn’t! You should rethink calling people your ‘friend’ when you don’t trust them.”
And then he storms off, shaking with anger. The next day, I find him outside of English. Staring at my feet, I say, “I know I lied, but I want to try rebuild our friendship. I’m really sorry.”
And he says, “It’s okay.”
Even though it’s not okay, he forgave me anyway.
We have fought over many things besides these, some petty and some serious, and I sometimes wonder how we have managed to remain amiable with one another. But that level of forgiveness we’ve had to maintain is what defines the friendship that means so much to me. It is a bond that has lasted through more weight than it should have to, and yet it remains stronger than ever. Any other bond would have broken. It is a safety net. No matter what happens, I will always know that I have this friend when I need him.
Yes, I do sometimes wonder what will happen if the weight becomes too much for us to bear, and it separates us. But I do not think it will, for we know each other far too well. When he is angry, he becomes passive-aggressive and I know to apologize and try and give him some space. When I am angry, I go into conniptions and he knows to let me yell at him and I’ll get over it soon enough. It’s not perfect; it never will be, but I have stopped obsessing over making it so. So we fight more than most friends do. So what? What matters is that we are there for each other, and always will be. It’s simply that we forgive, forgive, forgive. We forgive quickly even when we do not forget quickly.
Forgiveness. That is something I have taken from this friendship that will never go away despite what may happen with the friendship itself. I have learned to let things go. I have learned that I should forgive because sooner or later I will do something that requires forgiveness. We do not forgive for other people; we forgive for ourselves. In this world, we find ourselves burdened by grudges and fights, and forgiveness can help us take some of that weight off.
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